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Words of Wisdom

A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the
first place, you fat slobs.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they won’t know any
difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it has gone.

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the
chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is
time to
have the oven serviced.